Are People With Depression Selfish?

I have heard many people claim that people with depression are selfish.

Like, how dare you not get out of bed? The rest of us are contributing to society, what makes you so special?

How dare that parent attempt suicide? Don’t they know they have a family to care for?

How dare you not go to your friend’s birthday celebration because you hate yourself and don’t want the world to see how dark you’ve become?

As if none of this effects the person with the actual illness.

As if they are not painfully aware that they’re suffering is pushing you away.

As if they don’t already feel like an inconvenience and a burden.

When talking about her bipolar disorder, Carrie Fisher once said “Sometimes you didn’t want to be that person. You didn’t want to hold the dinner party hostage. And I didn’t have a choice.” I think a lot of people who struggle with mental illness can relate to this. You’re a burden if you go to the party and you’re a burden if you don’t. You feel like the darkness of your mental illness infects everyone you talk to, so you stay silent. You lock the doors, stay inside and turn off your phone because you don’t want to risk spreading your sorrow or your sickness.

But is it selfish to prioritise your survival? Because that’s the reality of what’s happening when you have depression. All of your energy goes into your basic survival; waking up, eating, sleeping, and not throwing yourself in front of a bus. This may sound exaggerated but for many, including myself, this is the reality.

If we could talk openly we would say,

“I’m sorry that you broke up with your boyfriend, that really sucks but I’m actively trying not to have a mental breakdown right now so hopefully I’m mentally well enough soon to give you the attention and support that you deserve”. Or “I still love you but I’m too exhausted to show it”.

You can’t say that depression makes someone selfish or rude because depression is an illness, not a character flaw. It can cause you to push people away. It can result in hibernation, not responding to texts or meeting up with friends. It can lead to fights and anger and irritation but that doesn’t make them a bad friend, it makes them a sick friend.

"The problem with mental illness is people don't look at it as a physical illness. When you think about it, the brain is actually the most complex organ in your body. We need to treat it like a physical illness and take it seriously."
-Demi Lovato

Depression makes you feel small. So small that you sometimes question your very existence. And when you feel this small you can’t even consider giving a part of yourself to others because you don’t feel like you have a part to give. It doesn’t matter if you want to, because you think that if you try to give yourself to someone else there will be nothing left.

I don’t think that people with depression are selfish, just like I don’t think that people with physical illnesses are selfish. Focusing on yourself isn’t necessarily selfish and I think that trying to survive or recover from a mental illness is one of those times when focusing on yourself isn’t selfish, it’s a necessity.

 “Your illness is not your identity. Your chemistry is not your character.”
-Rick Warren

If you like this post you may also like

1. Depression & the Symptom We Rarely Talk About

2. How to Love Someone With a Mental Illness

3. Depression: How Can I Help Myself?