Wanting to Recover VS Not Wanting to Eat

A lot of people view university as a blank canvass. A place where nobody knows you and a place where you can start over. A place where you can be any type of person you want to be.

When I started university I was determined to make a lot of friends and be the sociable one for once, instead of the shy and awkward one. I was also determined to control my eating disorder, instead of letting it control me. I knew this would be difficult because at university I would have no one to make me eat. Most people couldn’t wait for the freedom that comes with moving away from home but for me, that freedom could be my downfall.

Wanting to Recover

I chose a catered accommodation because I knew that I would make myself eat if it was already paid for. Fighting the guilt of eating with the guilt of wasting money isn’t the healthiest way to recover from an eating disorder but it was better than nothing. The canteen didn’t serve dinner at the weekend, so I didn’t eat dinner at the weekend. Can you imagine what I would have done if I had been responsible for my meals all of the time?

But there was another problem; I hate eating in front of people. With social anxiety and an eating disorder, eating out and eating in front of people is extremely difficult for me, often resulting in panic attacks. I was convinced that everyone was judging me for what and how I was eating. So I sat alone when I could and I ate as quickly as I could. Even the worst indigestion was better than the paranoia I experienced when eating in public.

Every time I walked into the canteen I felt petrified and paranoid but I also felt like a complete failure.

Another positive of using catered accommodation is that I couldn’t count calories. I mean, on reflection I can see that it was a positive but in the beginning it made eating even more terrifying. Before university, counting calories was my obsession. I still have the notebooks where I used to keep a very detailed log of what I ate, how many calories I consumed and how many calories I burnt by exercising. Although I still consider calories in a general sense, obsessive calorie counting is a bad habit I am so happy to have kicked.

Not Wanting to Eat

Unlike at home, I had no one to tell me to eat. No one was going to sit with me until I finished, or wait outside the bathroom door to make sure I wasn’t making myself sick. I felt like I was wasting a perfect opportunity to not eat. I remember thinking that if I gained weight I would have no one to blame but myself, and that completely terrified me. At least at home if I gained weight I could blame the doctors or my parents but at university it would all be up to me. 

Half of me was saying that it was my responsibility to get healthy and the other half of me was saying that I was responsible for my weight gain. But the thing is, these are the same. I needed to eat and gain weight to be physically healthy and I needed to prioritise my recovery in order to improve my mental health.

“I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame.”
- Jena Morrow, Hollow: An Unpolished Tale

Every time I ate I genuinely questioned whether I deserved to live. I know that is completely absurd. I know it’s impossible to gain weight from eating one cereal bar. I know that it’s illogical to base your worth on your weight. I know weight fluctuates for everyone. I know that making yourself sick 5 times a day is extremely dangerous. I know that my disorder is irrational but that doesn’t make it go away.

Having complete freedom is something most students are excited about but when you are trying to recover from an eating disorder freedom is extremely intimidating because you know that you can’t always trust yourself.

So, as scary as it may seem, my main advice is to let other people know about your eating disorder. It could be your doctor, someone from student services or someone working in your halls. On the day I moved into my accommodation my mum was actually the one to tell a member of staff and although I felt embarrassed and furious, I’m so glad that she did.

I remember once I hadn’t been to the canteen in a few days and they actually came to my room, asked if I was alright and brought me to dinner! Yes, I was completely mortified and I cried for hours afterwards but it was exactly what I needed.

Recovering from an eating disorder is one of the most difficult things anyone can do and if you have never had an eating disorder you cannot completely understand what it’s like to fight this war in your head. You wake up to the battle of breakfast. Should I eat it or should I skip it? Regardless of your decision, you immediately start fighting yourself about whether to have lunch. And then dinner. And then you repeat this all again the next day. It’s exhausting. It’s even more difficult when you don’t have people to hold you accountable. But there is help out there.

My university had an eating disorder support group but I didn’t go because I thought I wasn’t skinny enough for people to believe that I had an eating disorder. Again, that is completely illogical. You cannot tell whether someone has an eating disorder by looking at them. They may have binge eating disorder. They may be weight restored. They may be underweight but have a naturally bigger build.

You deserve support even if you don’t think you are sick enough to get it.

“My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse.”
–Kate Le Page

If you liked this post you may also like:

-The Competitive Nature of Eating Disorders

-There Are No Ugly Ducklings

-So you’re Fat

RESOURCES

http://www.studentminds.org.uk/understanding-eating-disorders.html

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com